I have a friend who has a chronic pain disease. She has kidney stones and passes them every time she has to pee.  I’ve never had kidney stones myself. But I know people that have, and they all say the pain is excruciating. My friend who has the chronic pain disease, seems to have gotten used to the pain.  

In my own way, my body and mind had gotten used to the numbness of Klonopin. I had become numb to ongoing anxiety, which was actually the intended purpose of the drug. But along with that, I had become numb to the natural feelings of well-being.

It’s a slow and tricky process. If I had realized that the drug was destroying my livelihood, I would have stopped 27 years ago. Ultimately, I realized I was not really living life. The drug does not want you to see that it is affecting you in a bad way. But it does.  

When you taper and start to recover, the natural feelings of wellness can become remarkably present.  For me, that happens only in short windows of time. But I appreciate those windows immensely. Today I feel as if I am addicted to the absence of Klonopin in my system. That natural feeling of well-being is so good that I just want more and more of it. How do I get more? I think the best option right now is simply to continue my tapering schedule.

Of course, I understand this battle takes many turns. I will enjoy this current window of well-being and hope that it becomes more frequent in the future.